I'm in a really odd place right now. I am not working since I finished school and during the period while I'm waiting to get my temporary license. This is the first time in my whole adult life, except for maternity leaves and vacations, when I have not had to go to work. I am so content just puttering around the house, running errands, swimming, sleeping in a little, spending time with Sam, etc. But underneath the contentment is the knowledge that it will end soon and I feel some unease that I should (there's that ugly little word again) get a bunch of household projects done. I mean, even during school, basically since April, I've had much more free time, and yet I've barely gotten any projects done! I spend way too much time reading stuff on the computer, writing emails and blogging, and just doing basic tasks. But I should (there it is again) be working on my novel, working on my stuff to get prepared for my massage career, and doing stuff like painting and cleaning out closets, etc. But I'm so enjoying just having the time to do whatever, including reading out by the pool, which is such a huge, huge luxury! So even now, in one of the most content periods I've ever experienced, I struggle within myself between what I WANT to do and what I SHOULD do! It's so frustrating! I dawdle a day away, enjoying every second of it, and then later anguish because I got nothing accomplished. Geez, do I have a split personality or something? And of course, I'm having conversations with God, but I'm not going to Bible study, etc. Why can't I just allow myself to just enjoy this brief time of rest and relaxation for what it is?
I am getting prepared to begin working, and I am starting to get a little nervous about building up my business so that I don't run us into bankruptcy. I believe, still, that God is blessing this venture of mine, that He ordained my meeting with Carol and put all the puzzle pieces together for me and made it all work out so well, so I have no reason to believe things will go badly, but I guess I just need to believe in myself more. It's hard to be in school and be all pumped up and ready to go and then have to just sit and wait! I hope I can find a good balance of work hours and time at home and still make a good living. One of the points behind all this was to have a flexible schedule and to be my own boss so I'd have more family time. I just need to dig in there and not get easily discouraged - I know that it will take a while. Jay has been so supportive and patient. I just don't want to get lazy while I'm in this limbo period. I am liking it an awful lot . . .
I'm just a pain in my own behind! Lord save me from myself . . .