The Art of Guilt-Free Laziness

Is there a book on this topic? If so I need to read it, immediately. I was in the dumps yesterday because I am constantly struggling with the "I must get some projects done/I want to lay by the pool and surf the net and generally goof off" dilemma. Same song, forty-third verse, if you will. I was raised in an environment where my folks worked hard and I was an only child expected to help around the house and pick up after myself. Add to that a mother with addiction problems (alcohol, prescriptions, self-destructive behavior, depression, you name it) and growing up in the 50s-60s when the model family was portrayed on TV, and my way of coping was to be very neat and orderly because that was the only thing in my life I had control over. Mix it all together and you end up with someone who desperately wants to be able to just relax and let it all go and live in the moment and enjoy doing whatever I FEEL like doing rather than what I SHOULD be doing, but I just cannot seem to figure out how. I spend lots of time thinking about it, trying to analyze it, getting mad at myself. Jay and I were talking about it yesterday and I came to the conclusion that I have just never mastered the art of guilt-free laziness. Jay says I just have never given myself permission to be lazy, and he's right. It just goes against every grain I have. I have a short window of time where I'm not working at all, and it's not that I'm sitting around eating candy and watching soaps, but I do spend a lot of time reading stuff on the computer, and occasionally having lunch with someone or laying by the pool (I justify that one by the fact that soon pool season will be over so I must do it while I can), reading, and generally finding ways to use up the whole freakin' day and having not much to show for it. That's the problem - I feel I must have something to show for it. Apparently being here and available for my family and taking care of cooking, groceries and laundry is not enough. I need to be cleaning out closets, painting trim, hanging pictures, etc. All worthy projects that I need and want to get done, but I have not gotten one single one of the completed. But then I remember all the times I have read that you won't regret the projects you didn't do, you'll regret not spending more time doing things that really matter. So, I know all the right answers, I just can't seem to get myself to apply them and really enjoy my freedom instead of beating myself up for yet another day passing with no projects even started. Geez I'm neurotic . . . wonder where I got THAT?

Today, I got up at 5:45 so I could shower, etc., take Andy to school and help bake cookies for the orchestra fundraiser. Came home about 10:30, and it's 1:15 and I've done pretty much nothing except stuff on the computer and having something to eat. So productive . . . I think I need counseling . . .