Walk the Line

Hmmmm, that last post was really too long and probably should have been broken up into two or three. Gotta stop doing that.

So, went to see Walk the Line with Andy and Jay. I was never a huge Johnny Cash fan though I did appreciate his talent and legendary status, and I was familiar with most the songs used in this move. A few comments: Reese Witherspoon is WAY prettier than June Carter, and I think sings better, but she did a fabulous job. Joaquin Phoenix is weird, but a really intense actor, and as the movie progressed he just sort of BECAME Johnny Cash, somehow. Let me just say that the two times they sang a duet of Jackson, I got goosebumps. Both times. HUGE amount of chemistry between the two. Great movie. No nudity. Very few cuss words. Go see it.

Happy Holidays . . .

So, I've taken a seasonal job at Kohl's so we will have some Christmas cash. Now, most people don't give much thought to the workings behind a powerhouse department store chain like Kohl's, but let me tell you they take their business very seriously, especially in the area of customer service. I went to a three hour orientation, then two days of 6 hour training, including watching several videos and taking two tests on the computer. Kohl's believes in a "Yes We Can" policy, and gives the Associates (that's what they call the worker bees there) the power to do quite a bit, including honoring a sale price on the customer's word rather than checking, giving some extra discounts up to 50%, no more than two customers in line at once (Christmas time being the exception but they set up a queue line), etc. I have been quite impressed. Except for the fact that the training CD and booklet I used to train on the register told me to do some things that were incorrect and not how they do them (being anal retentive as I am, that really bugged me a lot). But, all in all, everyone I've met has been extremely nice, and I think it will be fun, though the first night I worked a shift at the register, my feet were hurting so bad (partly because I wore some shoes that were a little tight). But I saw several people I knew come through my line, and I think I did a pretty darn good job for someone who hasn't done retail in 20+ years. I just hope I can keep up the pace along with building my massage business and working 16 hours a week at my office doing insurance stuff.

I've been stressing a lot in the past week or so, to the point I have a knot in my trapezius muscle (the one between your neck and shoulder), and at one point yesterday I just had to step outside and take a few deep breaths. And worse than that, yesterday I actually got teary-eyed when I heard the Christmas Shoes song (which I normally hate), on the radio. You know I'm on the edge when that happens since I'm just not a weeper. Though Christmas music can put me there quicker than any - it's just that so many Christmas songs have powerful memories attached to them - both bitter and sweet. Jay says, and he's right of course, he's always right, darn him - that my problem is that I've lived my entire life in a very structured way and all of my coping skills are aligned with that paradigm, and now my life is very unstructured, meaning that each day has a little bit different schedule, and I just don't have a set of coping skills for that kind of lifestyle, and consequently I am stressed and anxious about being able to get everything fit in somewhere, and juggling a lot of smaller tasks and time frames. Sometimes I'm not sure what the schedule is going to be until that day, and believe me, if you know me, you know I am a person who likes to put things on my calendar WAY in advance if I can. Jay and Andy call me The Scheduler, and they are only partly kidding me. These days, I work 4 hours a morning, four mornings a week, plus whatever Kohls gives me which will never be consistent, plus whenver I can schedule massages here and there, plus making time to pick up Andy every day, plus finding time to clean the house, do the laundry, pay the bills, run errands, market my massage practice, and schedule various social things, not to mention it's the holiday season so there's decorating the house, Christmas shopping, two birthdays and Thanksgiving in November, etc., etc. I honestly have no idea how I got everything done when I was working full time, but I think that what happens is that when you know you just have this many hours in the evening plus the weekend, you are more diligent about making sure you get everything done at certain times, etc.

So, bottom line, I've been a very tense person lately. It's been a really weird year - first working at MISD, then going to school half days and having free afternoons, then doing my internship all day, then being completely unemployed for two months or more, then slowly getting hours to work and stuff. When I had too much free time I didn't manage it well, and was griping about needing more stuff to do. And now, well, you get my drift . . . there must be a happy medium somewhere. I also have gained several pounds in the last six months, enough to put me up another size. Very depressing. My own fault. Too much time sitting in front of the computer or TV, and eating and snacking late and poorly, and no exercise at all. It's getting serious as far as clothes fitting. I have begun trying to walk several times a week, not only for weight loss but stress control, but I am having a hard time fitting that in too. I need to walk in the afternoon, because it's dark in the morning and at night and I don't walk in the dark. Lindsay and I are talking about trying to walk together and pushing Sam in the jogging stroller, but we'll see how hard that is to schedule. I find it way too easy to postpone. And then I try to find something to wear and everything's too tight and I look at this belly and just loathe the way I look. Geez, I sound like someone on Oprah or Dr. Phil. This entry has turned into my therapy entry I guess. Started out to be about Kohl's didn't it?

To end on a happier note, I love, love, love Christmas music, and I found out yesterday that KLTY, the station I rarely listen to anymore, is already playing it all the time. Christmas music can lift my mood like nothing else. I love the holidays, even when we are too busy. I love the food, the music, the decorations, visting with family and friends, all that stuff. I have incredibly fond memories of watching all those sappy Christmas variety specials on TV when I was a kid - never missed the Andy Williams one or A Charlie Brown Christmas, which I have seen every single Christmas since 1965 when it first showed on TV, and watch several times each season now since we have the video. Yep, I love Christmas, and not for the presents, but all the other stuff, the things that call forth the sweet memories like a genie from a lamp. Happy holidays!!!!

At a loss for words . . .

One of Andy's friends on the Martin Cross Country team was hit by a car yesterday while riding his bike, and today he died after being taken off life support. I did not know him, but he was the same age as Andy and he says that he and Kevin and Taylor were good pals on the team. I am totally at a loss of what to say to my son. He seems sad but mostly just says it doesn't seem real yet. I have never, at least so far in life, lost a friend, only parents and grandparents, so I have no experience to call on to comfort him. I don't know if the boy was a believer in Jesus or not, but I hope so. Andy made a t-shirt that said "Kevin Wood Is My Hero." I asked him about it and he just said it was the kind of thing Kevin would have liked. I just told him that whatever he felt like doing to honor his friend was appropriate. He is taking an extra shirt to school, and if there is a memorial of some sort set up at school, he will leave the shirt that he made there. I think we will drive by the spot where it happened (Bowen and Green Oaks) to see if something is set up there as well. I want to say something, do something, to help him feel better, but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it much. Maybe in the days to come he will. It makes me so sad that he has to deal with something like this at 14 - you shouldn't have to be mourning your friends at 14.

All I can seem to think about is the parents - how devastated we would be if it had been Andy. It's hard to even get my mind around that thought. It just brings home the fact that you never know when today is your last day on earth, and so you better live like it was. Hug those you love just one more time, tell them you love them, do something nice for someone, let the housework and laundry go and do something fun with your kids . . . those all seem like cliches, but think about it - what's gonna matter at the end . . . whenever it comes. Tomorrow will be a very hard day for the freshmen at Martin (and the others as well). Pray for them, and for Kevin's family, especially his parents. There are no words . . .

Has it really been 30 years?

I am a huge Good Morning America fan. I've been watching that show for a very long time. I remember watching when Lindsay was a baby, but I probably was watching before that, and pretty much have watched it every morning since at least 1980 or sooner, excepting vacations, illness, etc. when I wasn't near a TV at 7am. I should say, watched a portion of it, depending on what time I had to be at work. But for sure at least the first half hour to hour.

Today they are having their 30th Anniversary Celebration Show, and it's quite a trip watching it. Seeing news clips from the last 30 years really takes me back. Man, the stories, the history, the clothes, the hairdos . . . I'm really old. But it is so fun to go down memory lane with this show that has been a part of my day for so many years.

GMA was the background of my life, especially during Christmas vacations, etc. when I would get the pleasure of seeing the whole show (they were playing the old theme music and I had a major flashback). I loved David Hartman and Joan Lunden, and was crushed when they left. I was there through the days of Kathie Lee Johnson (Gifford) - meh, and several others. I was there when it was Joan and Charlie Gibson, who had to grow on me. I was crushed when Spencer Christian left, but now I love Tony Perkins (who I hear is leaving also, dang it). When Joan Lunden left, I thought the show would never be the same. She had a baby around the same time I had Lindsay (she even had another daughter named Lindsay). Eventually they brought on Diane, who I loved from the first day. I was there during the unfortunate period when Charlie and Diane left and some new people who I don't really even remember filled in and it was just not the same. But then Charlie and Diane came back, and it was a good day in GMA land. Yep, I'm old, but it's been quite a party.

Wow, Carlos Santana is on GMA now, doing Black Magic Woman. Man, he's still got it after all these years. Great music. And he looks really cool in an all white suit and beret. I guess he'd look cool in anything. Yeh, I'm reaaaaalllly old. But I'm still cool. . .

I know this topic may be of no interest to most people, but it's what I'm thinkin about today.

Charlie has become my favorite all time news guy. And Diane Sawyer is funny, smart, and just seems like the coolest chick ever. In fact, when someone asks what famous people you'd like to meet or have dinner with, they are on my list. I would love to just hear stories about all the interesting people they've met and places they've been, and they are both so brilliant. And of course I once had aspirations of journalism, so I guess I'm a Diane Sawyer wannabe (not necessarily on TV, but the journalist part).

In the Most Delicious Way . . .

Okay, that silly song phrase is from an Arrested Development Season 2 Episode, and if you are a fan you'll get it. Love that Tobias!

We went to CiCi's Pizza tonight at about 9:30, because we had made a trip to Target and it was late and we hadn't had dinner and it was close and cheap. We were the only customers there other than one couple, and they close at 10pm. The manager introduced himself to us and was so cheerful and attentive to us, and asked if we wanted any kind of pizza they didn't have out, and since Andy and I love the BBQ pizza, we mentioned it and he cooked one up for us special (I highly recommend it!) and brought us several pieces to our table. By this time we were the only customers in the restaurant. He stopped by our table several times to see if we needed anything, and then, to top off the great service, he brought us a box and told us to load it up with all the pizza we wanted. BONUS! He said the last customers get to take home all the pizza they want! We loaded up pizza and those incredible cinnamon rolls they have.

I love CiCi's and I don't know why we don't remember to eat there more often. I've decided we really get ripped off by Pizza Hut! Cause pizza ingredients all are about the same cost, but their pizza sure as heck costs more. Just remember that next time you want pizza. You can pay $3.99 for all you can eat, which will include dessert and salad and pasta, or you can pay $25.00 for a coupla large pizzas. Yes, you have to go there instead of delivery, but they will make any kind you want and it's sooooo good and fresh!

Will the real Kermit the Frog please stand up?

Yesterday Sam (he's the cutie in the pic to the left), my grandson who's 2, wanted to see Miss Piggy on my computer, and rather than go to the usual Muppetworld.com, I decided to search for something different to let him see. I stumbled upon a site called ToughPigs.com, and it had an article about how Disney, who now owns the rights to the Muppet characters (that's scary enough as it is) since apparently Jim Henson's company kinda split apart. I've included a quote here that tells pretty much the gist of the article:

You see, Disney paid a lot of money for the Muppet characters, and now they want to step up their campaign to get the Muppets back into the public eye. That's fantastic, and that's what we all want. Unfortunately, the way they want to do that is to have Kermit appearing simultaneously in different places. There'll be a Kermit performing on a Disney cruise line, and a Kermit greeting customers at the World of Disney store in New York, and a Kermit making an appearance on a local news show in Kansas City. And then somewhere in the world, hopefully, is a Kermit that's performed by Steve Whitmire. You remember Steve Whitmire, right? The guy who performs Kermit?

I, for one, as a 30+ year HUGE Muppet fan, longer really if you count how much I loved Rowlf the Dog on the Jimmy Dean Show when I was a kid, am thoroughly incensed and offended by this new venture. Muppets are real, at least to those of us who really love them, and they are individuals. Here is another quote that explains it better than I can:

One of the things that I like best about the Muppets is that they can appear out in the real world -- on talk shows, or awards shows -- and they're treated like they're real celebrities. That creates this amazing double-vision feeling, tickling our suspension of disbelief in a uniquely pleasurable way. Just by being there, the Muppets are poking fun at the show they're appearing on, turning the real world of show business into a parody. In order to do that, the Muppets need to be "real" to the audience. Kermit needs to be Kermit, not just some puppeteer playing Kermit.

If you are a Muppet lover and agree, please do the following: First go to the Touch Pigs site at http://www.toughpigs.com/journalsavethemuppets.htm and read the whole article. Then click on this link, http://savethemuppets.com/, and get more information and addresses so you can write a letter to protest this.

I know this may seem like a silly cause to many people, but I raised three children, one in the 70s, one in the 80s, and one in the 90s, and now a grandson, all of whom have loved and learned from the Muppets, and who will always have special childhood memories of all of them, and I personally have derived so much joy and laughter from them over the years. I own all the Muppet movies (Muppet Christmas Carol is our family favorite and we always watch it several times over the holidays), and my grandson watches at least one of them every single time he is at my home. One of his early words as he was learning to really talk was Hupmits, which was how his little 15 month old mind said Muppets. He is now a little over 2 and can clearly say Muppets, and Muppets Space (his favorite), and can identify by name all of the main characters, including Pepe, Rizzo, Gonzo, and all the rest. The Muppets are a part of our family history going into the third generation, and I cringe to think of them being commercialized in a way that destroys their unique individuality. Jim Henson must be shaking his head in disgust . . .

MUPPETS RULE!

Who can say if I've been changed for the better ?

But because I knew you, I have been changed for good. The main lyric line from the chorus of my favorite song from Wicked. It applies to my relationship iwth a dear girlfriend that has gone to a deeper level in the last six months. Today I found the courage to confront this friend about an incident that happened last night, not a big deal but something that hurt my feelings quite a bit (I probably overreacted).

Now that might not sound like a big deal, but in my entire adult life, I cannot think of a time (there may have been a couple but I don't remember any) where I actually was able to step out of my comfort zone enough to tell a girlfriend, hey, so and so that you did or said really hurt my feelings or made me angry or the like. My practice has always been to just say nothing, stuff my feelings and act like it never happened, or to talk to someone else about it. Even as a child I did this, though as a teen I had my share of silly snits with girlfriends. But my innate people pleasing nature, coupled with a conflict avoidance personality and a fear that if I say what I'm really thinking people will not like me anymore, pretty much has resulted in a very unhealthy way of dealing with conflict, with the exception of those very closest people (meaning my spouse and kids - not even my parents). With them, I felt safe enough to express my true feelings (sometimes too much I guess) knowing they would love me no matter what.

So though this may seem small in the scheme of life, it was a really huge step in personal growth for me, to step out of the "safe" zone and take the risk to tell her that she hurt my feelings. And of course, she totally understood, especially since I reminded her of a similar incident that had happened to her with a couple of other friends and she got her feelings hurt. She is much like me in her difficulty in forming female friendships, desire to please everyone, and conflict avoidance. We both come from pretty dysfunctional family backgrounds and have survived and turned out relatively normal, but with our own weirdnesses that come from that.

This day was kinda sucky in that I had a lot of things weighing on my mind, but this particular personal risk that paid off kinda makes the rest of it a little less heavy. I guess I need to step out of that zone more often . . .

My Review of Wicked

Wow, I can't think of a proper superlative - how about supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! If you get a chance to see this show, SEE IT! It was well worth the ticket price! We were on the 16th row, and the venue is small, smaller than Bass Hall, so we could see the facial expressions and costume and set details. It was awesome. Fantastic music, great story. Incredible singing, both from the leads, who were fantastic, and the ensemble, which sounded much larger than it was. Many funny things that you must see the show to get, many clever references to the Wizard of Oz movie without actually tying it in. The show won a Tony for Best Musical, and I can totally see why. And bonus, we had no traffic troubles at all - straight shot down I-30, pulled into the parking lot right across the street, and when we left, once we got out of the parking lot, hopped on 30 and boogied home with no traffic.

All in all, a great happy early birthday to me! On a side note, I got a cool t-shirt that says Devy Gravity (a term from the show) on the front and Wicked on the back. It looks like a baseball t-shirt but with little cap sleeves. The funny thing is, those shirts are cut very small, "girl sized" instead of unisex, but are usually extremely tight, baby t fit. I got a 2X, which is the largest size they had, and it's a perfect fit, but believe me, I'm NOT a 2X. I would normally be a large or maybe extra large depending on the fit of the shirt. Kinda funny to me.

GO SEE WICKED, or at least buy the soundtrack. Can't get the music out of my head, neither can Andy.

Oh Yeah, WICKED!!!!

SCORE! Oh man, today I scored four tickets to see Wicked tomorrow night!!!!!! Me, Andy, Tiffany, and Peggy Moulden are going (Peter decided not to go so after all). Josh (Peggy's son) is looking for a single ticket so he can go too. Been trying for over a week to find some, at regular price of course, and no luck, all sold out. Today I decided I should check once more on Ticketmaster. I found one single ticket, but we needed four, so I decided to call the box office to see if they had any last minute tickets. They didn't, so I asked for a Ticketmaster number where I could actually talk to a live person to see if they had some singles all on the same night. I got a guy on the phone, told him what I wanted, and in a few minutes he came back and said - well, the only thing I have is for Friday night, but I do have four together. I said "you what?" So of course I begged him to hang on for a sec while I called Tiffany to make sure she could go tomorrow night before I committed my credit card number since there are no refunds. She of course said something to the effect of "OMIGOD, YOU DIDN'T!" so I got back on the other phone and told the guy I loved him and he made my day!

Now, you might be wondering why this is such a big deal and why in the world we are so excited about this. I only recently heard anything much about this musical, when Tiffany mentioned it to me and I borrowed Jody Lee's soundtrack because she told me the music was so great. Wow, some of the best music I've heard since Phantom! Very different, not at all like Phantom, but very memorable, clever lyrics and just some incredible singing. It is basically the story of the life of the Wicked Witch of the West and how she got that way. Not really to do with the Wizard of Oz, and yet it is. You can read about it online here http://www.wickedthemusical.com/ and read a more detailed synopsis of the book (which in musical theater terms is the story part of the show) and also about the song lyrics, etc. here http://www.musicalschwartz.com/wicked.htm. It is adapted from the novel Wicked - The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West, by Gregory Maguire, and is a fascinating twist on the possible backstory of the Wicked Witch we all know and love from Wizard of Oz. It is a very political story, and the nature of good vs. wicked is explored. Brilliant, in my humble opinion!

Cannot wait! I will write my glowing review later. You may be jealous of me now . . .

Stuff and Things

Hmmmm, haven't posted in a while. Watching a lot of TV - new season in full swing. Lots of good TV these days. If you haven't watched Lost, I highly recommend you rent the first season, catch up and start watching. Most amazingly complicated and fascinating show I've watched in a long time.

My favorite show list, in order of love: Gilmore Girls, Arrested Development, Lost, Everwood (those top four are my personal Must See TV), Desperate Housewives, Boston Legal, Alias, Nip Tuck (my guilty pleasure - I know I'm bad, but it's a great, edgy show, definitely an R rating - can't believe they can do and say that stuff on basic cable), Grey's Anatomy (love Sandra Oh and that Dr. McDreamy), ER (I'm still hanging with this show after 10 years, but I miss Carter and Dr. Greene), and a few new faves, Veronica Mars, My Name is Earl (hi-freakin-larious), Kitchen Confidential (can you say Bradley Yummy Cooper?), and The Office (still deciding on that one). I watched Supernatural once, it was really scary, but haven't watched again. Watched House, liked it, may try to catch it now and again.

Oh, and of course Sex and the City reruns. Love love love that show. Wish I had those kind of girlfriends. Yeah.

I admit it, as you must already be thinking, I watch a LOT of TV. I LOVE television. I was raised on TV, I am of the TV generation, and television shows throughout the years have defined the pivotal periods of my life, along with popular music. It shaped who I am in a really core way. There is a lot of really, really good writing these days on TV, and I am a big fan of good writing and good acting. I HATE reality shows, with the exception of American Idol (not even really sure why I like it but I do), and I used to like Real World until it got all skeevy. NEVER watch Survivor, or any of those bachelor or bachelorette humiliation shows or anything else. I like scripted shows with great writing that make me laugh and cry, not that make me squirm with the discomfort of someone else's pain (again, American Idol is the exception there).

I also LOVE movies. And I love to read. If I could spend my time doing anything I wanted, I would read, watch movies and TV and travel all the time. Better yet I'd write books and be a wildly successful writer who travels a lot. Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Real Women Have Curves

Okay, so today I bought a pair of Lucky Brand jeans. Now, I've bought a lot of jeans in my life, but I've never, ever paid this much for them. Not gonna say how much, but it was probably too much, depending on your point of view. So why, you may ask, did I pay a most likely inflated price for a mere pair of jeans? Well, as most of my fellow girls (hmmm, that sounds funny) know, a good fitting pair of jeans is really priceless. I shall just say here that over the years, my body shape has changed from a nice, well proportioned size 9 to, well I'm not really gonna say, but let's just say I'm somewhere at the top of the size chart, and sometimes those are tight, but I'm too small for the plus size clothes in most stores. So what's a girl to do? I've given serious consideration to designing my own clothing line of hip, yet age appropriate, stylish and GOOD FITTING clothes for women size 14 to 18. Clothes that don't look like someone's grandma, and clothes that don't have huge armholes or presume that if you are a larger size girl, you have huge boobs and a huge waistline. Where are the shirts whose buttons don't gape open at the chest, and yet have a neckline that fits me instead of a linebacker for the 49ers? Where are the tshirts that fit without clinging, come down past the top of my pants, and yet don't have sleeves down to my elbows and armholes down past my bra? Where are the jeans that fit waist, hips, thighs, snugly but with room to breathe and move around without cutting off my air?

I digress. Back to the jeans. So I went to The Gap and tried on a pair of their new "curvy" jeans. I'm a curvy girl, right? Should be just the ticket. So I got the largest size they had in the store, which is the size I usually wear. (They make larger sizes but you have to order them online - I would never order jeans without trying them on!) Put them on, with some effort. Very tight in the thighs - I felt like that girl in the Moto Razr commercial. Zip - button. Look in the mirror - not bad, a little tight but not bad. Turn around for the all important butt view, and what have we here but my old friend the "butt gap." You know the one, where the waist fits you in the front but when you turn around there's about a 3 or 4 inch gap between your actual waist (or hip) and the pants. So I go out to show Lindsay, and she says "just wear a belt." Well, I don't like to tuck in my shirts due to another anatomical problem area, so that's out. Then the helpful young sales clerk guy said "Maybe you should try the Curvy Jeans." To which I replied with just a hint of sarcasm, irony if you will, "These ARE the Curvy Jeans." "Oh," he said.

So we're on to Lane Bryant. I've never had much luck buying clothese there are their smallest size is usually too big for me, but I'm willing to try anything. So the nice salesgirl, who was about my size, brought me some jeans to try on, and she was quite sympathetic to my plight. The jeans were okay but didn't really fit the way I wanted - Linsdsay called them "mom jeans," you know, the ones that come all the way up to your waist. So then the salesgirl tells me that she gets Lucky jeans at The Buckle. I comment that I can't afford Lucky jeans (celebrities wear them, if that tells you anything), and she remarks that a good fitting pair of jeans is worth it and she just gets one pair and wears them all the time.

So we move on, try a couple more stores but we are at the opposite end of the mall from The Buckle and Sam's getting tired and I'm weary of trying on clothes that don't fit, so we go home.

Then today I decided, what the heck, I'll go alone to the mall to try them and if they are just awful no one will know. Well you can guess what comes next, they fit pefectly! Well, actually the first two I tried on were too tight, but just like Goldilocks, the third pair was Just Right! They are sized by waist size, so I had no earthly idea what size to even try for, and I did not want a pair of the popular shredded ones that look like they are ready for the rag pile. A very nice young lady helped me find the right style and size and didn't even smirk or chuckle when I told her I was shopping for me rather than for one of my children. (If you know The Buckle, it generally caters to the 13-25 crowd.) They are a bit too long, but bonus, they do free alterations! She offered to pin them for me right then, but I asked if I could take them home and try them with different shoes so I could figure out the right length. You know, you have to get them long enough to wear with boots or shoes with heels, but not so long that they scrunch up too much at the bottom if you wear flat shoes.

I cringed at the price, but I consoled myself that I will only need this one pair (maybe for several years!). One bright side, I went to get a pair of all purpose jeans/pants shoes with a heel, to replace a worn out pair I got rid of last winter. I can't do tall boots because of yet another anatomical problem area - big calves and ankles. Maybe I need to design those too. So I found a pair that kind of look like boots under jeans, but they are really comfy. I looked all over the mall and found these at Foleys, and was prepared to pay more than I usually do for shoes just to get a comfortable pair, since comfort is almost as important as style these days. So when I went to check out, they were about half the price I thought they were! Double bonus! Don't know if they were on sale, or if I just read the price wrong, but either way, it took a little of the sting off the jeans tab.

Okay, so if anyone reads this who can design clothes and has any ideas, get with me and we'll start a specialty clothing line. I even have a name for it. Reality Chick. Yep, that's my idea. But I have no idea what to do with it. I just know that there must be other women out there who have the same fit problems I do, who are not plus size, but are on the "real woman" side of the size chart. Who want to look stylish, trendy, even edgy sometimes, without looking like a grandma (well, I AM a grandma, but you get my drift) or a sad woman clinging to her 20s. Oh, and the clothes don't need to cost as much as a ski vacation either!

I don't want much. Just clothes that fit. That fit a real sized woman with an imperfect but well proportioned moderately plus size body and make me look FABULOUS! Yeah, that's it . . .

He has plans for me . . .

Wow,haven't posted in a while. Just not much to say, been waiting around for my license. But . . . I GOT IT, FINALLY. Well, sort of. I mailed in my stuff on July 22 and have been checking on it, and was told it was "in the mail." Finally, last Thursday, I was fed up and I called and just asked if they could please send me another one since this one obviously got lost in the mail. Well, the kind lady told me that they don't reissue temporary licenses, but that she could fax me a verification document that states I've been licensed. Now, I wish someone had told me that a couple of weeks ago . . . but I'm thankful this lady was kind enough to tell me. I had her fax it to the church, and I picked it up Friday. So now I'm official! I framed my little faxed piece of paper and hung it on the wall in my massage room. Now - well, now I'm really scared, to be perfectly candid, that I must now put all this learning and wishing and planning into action, and actually find clients and get them to come to me for massages and enjoy it so they will come back, and actually make a living at this. In my whole adult life, I've never been in a situation like this where the amount of money I make is totally unknown and dependent on my efforts and on good fortune or luck or whatever. It's very scary. I know I can always get another kind of job, but still, I've invested a lot of time and a lot of money both in school and supplies and in just living off savings while I have not been working, and I don't want to be a failure and have it all be for nothing. Of course, a couple of good friends have counseled me, wisely I know, that just the fact that I had the courage to really reach for something new that I wanted is an accomplishment in itself. But we do have bills to pay, so I can't be frivolous about these things. I am putting it all in God's hands, or should I say leaving it there, because I believe He is guiding me on this path, and so I believe things will happen the way they are supposed to.

On that note, I have an awesome story of God's incredible grace and demonstration of how he has such great plans for our lives. Today I had a long phone conversation with my dear friend Sandy, who moved to Arkansas last spring because her husband Mitch was called to serve as music minister in a church. She and I are very much alike in so many ways, and we both have the best of intentions of staying in touch but we just get busy with life. We think of each other often, but we just don't seem to get around to calling. She just happened to be at home and have time to talk, and we had an aweseome conversation. Last fall, she had just started doing the Believing God study by Beth Moore, and she and I and a few other women went to a Women's Ministry conference in San Antonio where Beth was one of the speakers. It was a totally cool and fun weekend, with some great conversation and sharing and laughing. Just one of those memorable weekends with girlfriends where everything just gels really well. During that weekend, Sandy and I both felt that God had specifically ordained us to both be there, as there were some things that came up that we both really needed to hear, and also we just had some similar things going on in our lives with our daughters, who are the same age and both are married with young toddlers. We just found that we were both dealing with some issues and it was great to share those things and pray with each other. We committed to be email prayer buddies, but that all kinda fell apart when she moved away, because the move kind of happened suddenly. Tying back to the Bible study - at the time she began to do the study, she and Mitch began praying for God to bring him a church position (he had been out of the ministry since his divorce some years before) and the position in Arkansas came about much sooner than they would have dreamed. Well, during the conference, which was BEFORE they knew for sure they'd be moving and accepting this church position, Sandy and I had several conversations about her recent deep conviction that God was moving her to work with children and troubled girls. Now she confessed to me that she had never ever wanted to work with children, and she couldn't really understand why she was feeling this, but that maybe she would work in an afterschool program or something along that line. She also shared with me at that time that she felt a strong pull toward working with troubled young girls, but wasn't sure where that might lead either.

Well, today she told me that recently their church asked Mitch to take on youth ministry as well since they had lost their youth minister. He was already handling music and family ministries, so he told the church that he could not handle it all, but that if they would hire Sandy as his assistant, that would be great and they could do the job together. So, she is now the Children's Coordinator!!!!!!! On staff at their church!!!!! When she shared this with me today, I just got all teary eyed, and reminded her of our conversations back last November, and we just talked about how God is so good and how he was preparing her even then, before she even understood why, to do the work he had for her this fall, almost a year later!!!! It is such an incredible testimony of how her obedience and her believing God to do something amazing in her life and to use her however he wanted has resulted in her being given more than she could ever have imagined. She is also teaching the Believing God study several times a week to women in her church. Now that might not sound so amazing, but if you know Sandy, she has always said, oh I could never teach a study or get up in front of people and talk. And now she is doing something that a year ago she would have told you she could not, would not, ever do! I just had to share this amazing testimony, and I know that some of you who read my blog know Sandy will rejoice with her and for her and will pray for her continued blessings in her ministry.

It was such an encouragement to me to talk to her today, and honestly I don't know what prompted me to call her today, of all days, when I've been meaning to do so for months. She is firmly convinced that all of these great things have come her way because she made a choice to believe God for great things in her life when she was doing that Bible study. And that very same Bible study, which I started after she shared with me how amazing it was, is the very thing that was the catalyst in starting me down the road of changing careers and starting on a new adventure in life.

I kinda wonder if God prompted me to call her today because I was feeling scared and worried and discouraged and wondering if I have made a big mistake, and talking to her was just a reminder that God will do wondrous things in our lives if we will place them in his hands. My favorite scripture since I made Jesus Lord of my life has been Jer. 29:11-13. That pretty much says it all right there, and it has proven true in my life over and over again. He does have plans for us - all we must do is seek Him with all our hearts. Thanks Sandy for being Jesus in my life today!

Unto the least of these . . .

Watching TV last night and Harry Connick Jr. was in NO to help out. He grew up there, and was in his old neighborhood to check on his father's house and see if it withstood the storm, which it did. Then a neighbor came by and told him about a man who was lying on his porch down the street or somewhere else nearby (can't recall) and needed help. They drove the boat down there (yeah, they were in a boat) and this old, frail black man was lying on his front porch, totally naked, too weak to move or go for help. Harry had on waders and a t shirt, and he took off his t shirt and put it on this poor man to just give him a shred of dignity, and then carried him to the boat and they took him to get food and shelter. I just teared up - it brought to mind that Jesus told us, whatever you do for the least of these, you have done it for me. What a beautiful example of this very thing. Giving that man the shirt off his back and carrying him in his arms like a baby, taking him to safety. I know plenty of celebrities are doing concerts and benefits and telethons, but the ones who are impressing me the most are the ones who are personally going into the trenches and getting sweaty and dirty and serving and loving on people. You can see in their faces that it's not just for publicity. Harry, Julia Roberts (no makeup, jeans and a t-shirt, hugging and crying with women and their babies and some teenage girls), John Travolta and his wife, Lisa Marie Presley, Chris Rock, Jamie Foxx, just to name a few. Doing what they can to help and to encourage and love on people, to make them feel they have value. That's what people want - they want to feel like they matter. Don't we all?

Thoughts from the Safety of My Home

Wow, so I am blown away by the Katrina coverage. I've been watching every day, and it just gets worse and worse, and I keep feeling I should do something. Yes, I'm going to purchase some needed items and donate them through Jay's work. But that just doesn't seem like enough. To quote Casablanca, paraphrased, my problems don't amount to a hill of beans compared to those of the survivors.

It has been made clear in the last day or two that they are hurt and resentful at being called "refugees," understandably so. They live here, they are not seeking refuge from another country. They are survivors.

This is America - things like this don't happen here. I mean things like looting and raping of children and people left to die in filth beyond the comprehension of most all of us, people who have nothing and know nothing and are hopeless and helpless. I have been hearing lots of people saying, would this have happened if the hurricane had hit in an affluent, predominately white area? I must confess I seriously doubt it. It seems to me that race and class have played a part here, though most of us don't want to acknowledge that, most importantly our government. On Oprah today, she was touring New Orleans and talking to the Chief of Police and the Mayor. The Chief was almost unable to speak while telling Oprah about small children who were being raped and even killed inside the Superdome, and telling her of one of his officers whom he had convinced to take a day off and who had gone home and killed himself. The Mayor is angry - many of you have probably seen or heard him on the news. Angry with the righteous anger on behalf of the people under his jurisdiction whom he is helpless to aid. I saw and heard stories on this Oprah episode that made me cry like none I've heard on network TV. Lisa Ling was walking the streets with a camera crew and came across a family just walking around hoping to find a place to sleep for the night. Dr. Oz, a regular Oprah guest, was at the airport trying to help ill people and also talking about the huge problem with dead bodies and why they pose such a health threat. He came upon a young woman on the side of the highway who was already getting bloated. He covered her with a shirt he found nearby because there was nothing else he could do to give her a bit of dignity.

Almost all of these people are black - 2/3 of the population of New Orleans is black, and a great number of them are poor and had no means to leave the city. I'm so tired of all the rhetoric on TV about blame, where the buck stops, etc. These people are dying, homeless, and separated from their families. I have been proud, though, to read that Texas has been praised for it's quick and efficient response, taking in over 200,000 people, though as the majority of the survivors are coming to Texas, at least first, our resources are quickly reaching their limits.

I am finding that this is more painful to watch than the 9-11 coverage. There, people were reaching out to help each other, not killing each other. These are are fellow Americans, not victims of terror, but now increasingly victims of other fellow Americans. This shakes me to my core. I feel it is just a taste of what could come, someday, in our country. We are only one disaster away from this very experience ourselves. I urge anyone who reads this to find a way to do something to help. Sorry for such a downer of an entry, but this is what's on my mind right now.

Just When You Think You Know Yourself . . .

I've been suffering from a vague malaise lately (used that $5 word in a tribute to my English nerd friends like Julie and Josh), just feeling restless and bored, in spite of the fact that I have plenty of "projects" around the house that need tending to. I felt mildly depressed and just found myself wandering around this weekend. Jay and I talked about it Saturday night and came to the conclusion that my problem is most likely - da da da dum - A LACK OF STRUCTURE. Isn't THAT exciting! Of course, if you know me very well at all, that will not come as a big surprise to you, but in a way it was a surprise to me. I've always wanted to be a stay home wife and mom, but until this summer, I have never been unemployed and at home with this much unscheduled free time since - well in my entire adult life! Two stints of six week maternity leaves, but of course I had a baby to take care of, and a school age child also, so that really was not unstructured free time. This time, since we returned from our cruise and I have been waiting on my temporary massage license, since the end of July, I have pretty much been free to do whatever I want with the small restriction that I have to pick my high school age child (the only one left at home) up from school at 2:45, and I have to be at the school at 7:30 each Tuesday morning for a couple of hours to bake cookies. Other than that, there are no particular demands on my time. Yeah, I have to do laundry and buy groceries and pay the bills, and do a few other home administration type tasks, but those take up only a small portion of my time. In theory, all this free time should be liberating and joyful . . . and it was for the first few weeks. But now, as discussed in prior blog entries, I feel guilty if I goof off too much because of aforementioned "projects," and so instead of reveling in having time to read books (which I've done little of, in spite of my love of reading), have lunch with friends (I have done some of that, but it costs money to eat out), sleep late (have done some of that, and it is glorious, I'll confess), or catch up on movies, I feel guilty that I don't get more accomplished and just feel a vague sense of unrest which I have now identified as the fact that I need structure, and apparently need to either work or have some place to be and something I am supposed to be doing at least some portion of every day. It's been a relief in a way to figure this out, but also kind of startling and unexpected to find, after years of longing for less structure and demands on my time, of wishing I didn't have to go to work, that I actually need and want to have some work to do. Of course, the real answer is, I need and want to have fulfilling and meaningful and interesting work to do, which of course are the pieces that were missing before. That said, my hope and prayer now is that my new massage therapy career with the cool women at Integrated Healthworks will indeed fill all those gaps and will be the career that meets all my needs - interesting, fulfilling and meaningful work and a schedule that allows the free time I long for when I need it. I'm still shaking my head at myself and this new understanding about me that caught me totally by surprise. In fact, I didn't really figure it out, it was Jay who said maybe lack of structure was my problem. He's my personal live-in psychologist - I'm sure blessed that he is able to look objectively at things that are making me crazy and help me sort them out. Of course I'm blessed to have him for so many other reasons, but that's certainly a nice bonus. Honey, you are the BEST! BTW, one of my classmates emailed me that she received her temp license on Saturday, so I'm hoping that means mine is on the way!

Movie Thoughts

Watched the movie Fight Club today. Not sure why I'd never seen it before, and how I managed to never hear the twist ending (glad I didn't), but it was one of the most interesting movies I've seen in a long time. Won't give away the twist, but I just want to say that if you have not watched it because you thought it was just about a bunch of guys hitting each other, it is much, much more than that. It is a commentary about basic human nature and the search for some way of feeling alive in the numbing lives that so many people live, where they are defined by what they own or where they work, etc. It was so much different than what I expected, and I find myself thinking a lot about it in the aftermath. In light of all the things going on in New Orleans right now, where both the best and the worst of human nature is being played out on nearly every TV channel and all over the internet, this movie is a reminder of how civilized behavior can turn on a few choices in the wrong direction. Lord of the Flies is a novel that illustrates this quite well also, as does The Stand (by Stephen King). All in all a fascinating, disturbing and important movie (cool music too). Can't believe it took me so long to see it.

Also watched Sin City the other night. Wow, what a visually stunning movie! Like a comic book/film noir/B-grade detective movie come to life. Very violent, but like Kill Bill, violent in the cartoony sense (unlike Fight Club). Mickey Rourke, who used to be one of my favorite actors, is almost unrecognizable but is great in his role, and Bruce Willis is the perfect choice for this kind of movie. He can say the sort of cheezy detective speak without sounding foolish. If you are a movie buff at all, you should see this movie if for no other reason than to appreciate and marvel at the film techniques used.

School's In . . .

Still no temporary license in the mail! Still no income! This is getting kind of scary - can't go on forever not bringing in some moolah, and I'm getting pretty anxious. I have believed ever since I started this new venture that God was blessing it and taking a hand in working things out for me, and up until now things had been rocking along very smoothly. Now I know that just because it seems a little bumpy right now doesn't mean He is not still involved in what's unfolding in my life. In fact, it's quite likely that this time of uncertainty should be used as an opportunity for me to trust God even more with our finances, and with providing for our needs. It's really one of those times when if there was anything I COULD do, I would take steps to solve the problem, but I'm really helpless to do anything at all. Maybe that's just exactly where God wants me right now. I've been, well not exactly drifting away from God, so much as just not communicating very much in either direction. Taking Him for granted I guess, knowing He's there but being too caught up in my own stuff to talk to Him or more importantly to listen. My personal experience has been that sometimes God brings about a circumstance in my life in order to get my attention when He has a lesson for me. Not saying He causes bad things to happen, and I can't exactly explain what I mean, but if you've had the experience you'll understand. Sometimes you know without a doubt that a situation is the way it is because God has rung the schoolbell and it's lesson time. So I guess I'm at the place right now where I'm ready to listen and learn, because there's no other choice. Isn't it too bad that so often we have to get to the place where there's no other choice before we will turn to God? It's just so much our nature to try to fix things on our own, to bring about whatever we think needs to happen (a la Abraham and Sarah) instead of letting God's plan unfold on its own. So here I am, waiting - I'd like to say patiently, but I don't feel so patient - and still believing, though shaken a bit, that I am on a path that God is blessing and that I have made the right choice. And that if I am wrong, God will work that out for my best interests as well. The waiting, the not knowing - so hard to do. I pray for strength, trust and patience. And perhaps a little divine intervention . . .

Parenting 101

Man, you try so hard to learn from your mistakes with the previous child so you will do a better job each time. Why can't I learn to not push Andy so hard and make him feel like he never quite lives up to my expectations! I don't really feel that way but I know that's how I come across. Just carrying on the fine tradition my mom started with me and that I do to myself as well. He is struggling with not wanting to be in orchestra anymore and just wanting to get through the year, and I just need to let it go and be okay with that, and encourage him in other classes and sports, etc. I have been accused by both him and Lindsay of trying to make them do what I would do and be like me, and that is painfully close to true, much as I hate to admit it. It's certainly not my intent, but that seems to be the result anyway. I want him to know I love him and am proud of everything he does and that I'm okay with whatever he chooses to focus on. Why is that so hard to just say? You'd think this would get easier after all these years, but not so much . . .

Is That All There Is?

Well, got the blahs again. Happens many Sundays. Just am not feelin' it at SOBC right now. I have so many friends there, and I love to see them every week, and I love Paul and singin' in the choir, but other than that - bleh. Just not much to get excited about. I know it's not all about me, not even really much at all about me, and I know that probably the issue lies with me somewhere in the space between me and Jesus, but I just feel like I want something more. Don't know what though. That's the problem. Just feel dry and thirsty. Sometimes I feel like that song - Is That All There Is? It seems to catch up with me most on Sunday, and then I spend the afternoon feeling blecchhhh and unmotivated, when I should be enjoying my day of rest. Ha ha, day of rest. That's so not true for so many dedicated Christians - we've made it into the busiest day of the week for many of our members who wish to serve. Something just rubs me the wrong way about that.
Just my opinion.

Take the gun, leave the cannoli . . .

Well, we had a Godfather trilogy marathon this weekend. Well, not really a marathon since we spread it over three days, but nevertheless. Parts I and II, which I personally view as one film, are my second favorite movie(s) ever (To Kill A Mockingbird is #1, always and forever - that movie shaped me in a big way), and it's been a long time since I've watched them all in a row. Part III is not really great, just okay, but is much better if you watch it just after watching I and II, because there's a lot left unexplained and many gaps in Part III that you forget about unless you've just seen the others. I have seen these movies so many times that I have begun to catch the little continuity errors and timeline problems (although I solved one last night that I thought was an error but in fact was not). It annoys Jay. He doesn't care, just wants to watch the film. It's just a funny quirk of mine. Andy had never watched all of them all the way through, so it was fun sharing the movies with him, and being able to answer his questions. I am not sure why I love this story so much, but to me it just achieves a perfection in acting, sets, music, costuming, everything. Al Pacino was so cheated out of an Oscar for both Parts I and II, as was Robert Duvall (also ripped off for a Lonesome Dove Emmy). Anyway, I don't know why I'm writing about this, but there you go - stream of consciousness I guess.