Real Women Have Curves

Okay, so today I bought a pair of Lucky Brand jeans. Now, I've bought a lot of jeans in my life, but I've never, ever paid this much for them. Not gonna say how much, but it was probably too much, depending on your point of view. So why, you may ask, did I pay a most likely inflated price for a mere pair of jeans? Well, as most of my fellow girls (hmmm, that sounds funny) know, a good fitting pair of jeans is really priceless. I shall just say here that over the years, my body shape has changed from a nice, well proportioned size 9 to, well I'm not really gonna say, but let's just say I'm somewhere at the top of the size chart, and sometimes those are tight, but I'm too small for the plus size clothes in most stores. So what's a girl to do? I've given serious consideration to designing my own clothing line of hip, yet age appropriate, stylish and GOOD FITTING clothes for women size 14 to 18. Clothes that don't look like someone's grandma, and clothes that don't have huge armholes or presume that if you are a larger size girl, you have huge boobs and a huge waistline. Where are the shirts whose buttons don't gape open at the chest, and yet have a neckline that fits me instead of a linebacker for the 49ers? Where are the tshirts that fit without clinging, come down past the top of my pants, and yet don't have sleeves down to my elbows and armholes down past my bra? Where are the jeans that fit waist, hips, thighs, snugly but with room to breathe and move around without cutting off my air?

I digress. Back to the jeans. So I went to The Gap and tried on a pair of their new "curvy" jeans. I'm a curvy girl, right? Should be just the ticket. So I got the largest size they had in the store, which is the size I usually wear. (They make larger sizes but you have to order them online - I would never order jeans without trying them on!) Put them on, with some effort. Very tight in the thighs - I felt like that girl in the Moto Razr commercial. Zip - button. Look in the mirror - not bad, a little tight but not bad. Turn around for the all important butt view, and what have we here but my old friend the "butt gap." You know the one, where the waist fits you in the front but when you turn around there's about a 3 or 4 inch gap between your actual waist (or hip) and the pants. So I go out to show Lindsay, and she says "just wear a belt." Well, I don't like to tuck in my shirts due to another anatomical problem area, so that's out. Then the helpful young sales clerk guy said "Maybe you should try the Curvy Jeans." To which I replied with just a hint of sarcasm, irony if you will, "These ARE the Curvy Jeans." "Oh," he said.

So we're on to Lane Bryant. I've never had much luck buying clothese there are their smallest size is usually too big for me, but I'm willing to try anything. So the nice salesgirl, who was about my size, brought me some jeans to try on, and she was quite sympathetic to my plight. The jeans were okay but didn't really fit the way I wanted - Linsdsay called them "mom jeans," you know, the ones that come all the way up to your waist. So then the salesgirl tells me that she gets Lucky jeans at The Buckle. I comment that I can't afford Lucky jeans (celebrities wear them, if that tells you anything), and she remarks that a good fitting pair of jeans is worth it and she just gets one pair and wears them all the time.

So we move on, try a couple more stores but we are at the opposite end of the mall from The Buckle and Sam's getting tired and I'm weary of trying on clothes that don't fit, so we go home.

Then today I decided, what the heck, I'll go alone to the mall to try them and if they are just awful no one will know. Well you can guess what comes next, they fit pefectly! Well, actually the first two I tried on were too tight, but just like Goldilocks, the third pair was Just Right! They are sized by waist size, so I had no earthly idea what size to even try for, and I did not want a pair of the popular shredded ones that look like they are ready for the rag pile. A very nice young lady helped me find the right style and size and didn't even smirk or chuckle when I told her I was shopping for me rather than for one of my children. (If you know The Buckle, it generally caters to the 13-25 crowd.) They are a bit too long, but bonus, they do free alterations! She offered to pin them for me right then, but I asked if I could take them home and try them with different shoes so I could figure out the right length. You know, you have to get them long enough to wear with boots or shoes with heels, but not so long that they scrunch up too much at the bottom if you wear flat shoes.

I cringed at the price, but I consoled myself that I will only need this one pair (maybe for several years!). One bright side, I went to get a pair of all purpose jeans/pants shoes with a heel, to replace a worn out pair I got rid of last winter. I can't do tall boots because of yet another anatomical problem area - big calves and ankles. Maybe I need to design those too. So I found a pair that kind of look like boots under jeans, but they are really comfy. I looked all over the mall and found these at Foleys, and was prepared to pay more than I usually do for shoes just to get a comfortable pair, since comfort is almost as important as style these days. So when I went to check out, they were about half the price I thought they were! Double bonus! Don't know if they were on sale, or if I just read the price wrong, but either way, it took a little of the sting off the jeans tab.

Okay, so if anyone reads this who can design clothes and has any ideas, get with me and we'll start a specialty clothing line. I even have a name for it. Reality Chick. Yep, that's my idea. But I have no idea what to do with it. I just know that there must be other women out there who have the same fit problems I do, who are not plus size, but are on the "real woman" side of the size chart. Who want to look stylish, trendy, even edgy sometimes, without looking like a grandma (well, I AM a grandma, but you get my drift) or a sad woman clinging to her 20s. Oh, and the clothes don't need to cost as much as a ski vacation either!

I don't want much. Just clothes that fit. That fit a real sized woman with an imperfect but well proportioned moderately plus size body and make me look FABULOUS! Yeah, that's it . . .

He has plans for me . . .

Wow,haven't posted in a while. Just not much to say, been waiting around for my license. But . . . I GOT IT, FINALLY. Well, sort of. I mailed in my stuff on July 22 and have been checking on it, and was told it was "in the mail." Finally, last Thursday, I was fed up and I called and just asked if they could please send me another one since this one obviously got lost in the mail. Well, the kind lady told me that they don't reissue temporary licenses, but that she could fax me a verification document that states I've been licensed. Now, I wish someone had told me that a couple of weeks ago . . . but I'm thankful this lady was kind enough to tell me. I had her fax it to the church, and I picked it up Friday. So now I'm official! I framed my little faxed piece of paper and hung it on the wall in my massage room. Now - well, now I'm really scared, to be perfectly candid, that I must now put all this learning and wishing and planning into action, and actually find clients and get them to come to me for massages and enjoy it so they will come back, and actually make a living at this. In my whole adult life, I've never been in a situation like this where the amount of money I make is totally unknown and dependent on my efforts and on good fortune or luck or whatever. It's very scary. I know I can always get another kind of job, but still, I've invested a lot of time and a lot of money both in school and supplies and in just living off savings while I have not been working, and I don't want to be a failure and have it all be for nothing. Of course, a couple of good friends have counseled me, wisely I know, that just the fact that I had the courage to really reach for something new that I wanted is an accomplishment in itself. But we do have bills to pay, so I can't be frivolous about these things. I am putting it all in God's hands, or should I say leaving it there, because I believe He is guiding me on this path, and so I believe things will happen the way they are supposed to.

On that note, I have an awesome story of God's incredible grace and demonstration of how he has such great plans for our lives. Today I had a long phone conversation with my dear friend Sandy, who moved to Arkansas last spring because her husband Mitch was called to serve as music minister in a church. She and I are very much alike in so many ways, and we both have the best of intentions of staying in touch but we just get busy with life. We think of each other often, but we just don't seem to get around to calling. She just happened to be at home and have time to talk, and we had an aweseome conversation. Last fall, she had just started doing the Believing God study by Beth Moore, and she and I and a few other women went to a Women's Ministry conference in San Antonio where Beth was one of the speakers. It was a totally cool and fun weekend, with some great conversation and sharing and laughing. Just one of those memorable weekends with girlfriends where everything just gels really well. During that weekend, Sandy and I both felt that God had specifically ordained us to both be there, as there were some things that came up that we both really needed to hear, and also we just had some similar things going on in our lives with our daughters, who are the same age and both are married with young toddlers. We just found that we were both dealing with some issues and it was great to share those things and pray with each other. We committed to be email prayer buddies, but that all kinda fell apart when she moved away, because the move kind of happened suddenly. Tying back to the Bible study - at the time she began to do the study, she and Mitch began praying for God to bring him a church position (he had been out of the ministry since his divorce some years before) and the position in Arkansas came about much sooner than they would have dreamed. Well, during the conference, which was BEFORE they knew for sure they'd be moving and accepting this church position, Sandy and I had several conversations about her recent deep conviction that God was moving her to work with children and troubled girls. Now she confessed to me that she had never ever wanted to work with children, and she couldn't really understand why she was feeling this, but that maybe she would work in an afterschool program or something along that line. She also shared with me at that time that she felt a strong pull toward working with troubled young girls, but wasn't sure where that might lead either.

Well, today she told me that recently their church asked Mitch to take on youth ministry as well since they had lost their youth minister. He was already handling music and family ministries, so he told the church that he could not handle it all, but that if they would hire Sandy as his assistant, that would be great and they could do the job together. So, she is now the Children's Coordinator!!!!!!! On staff at their church!!!!! When she shared this with me today, I just got all teary eyed, and reminded her of our conversations back last November, and we just talked about how God is so good and how he was preparing her even then, before she even understood why, to do the work he had for her this fall, almost a year later!!!! It is such an incredible testimony of how her obedience and her believing God to do something amazing in her life and to use her however he wanted has resulted in her being given more than she could ever have imagined. She is also teaching the Believing God study several times a week to women in her church. Now that might not sound so amazing, but if you know Sandy, she has always said, oh I could never teach a study or get up in front of people and talk. And now she is doing something that a year ago she would have told you she could not, would not, ever do! I just had to share this amazing testimony, and I know that some of you who read my blog know Sandy will rejoice with her and for her and will pray for her continued blessings in her ministry.

It was such an encouragement to me to talk to her today, and honestly I don't know what prompted me to call her today, of all days, when I've been meaning to do so for months. She is firmly convinced that all of these great things have come her way because she made a choice to believe God for great things in her life when she was doing that Bible study. And that very same Bible study, which I started after she shared with me how amazing it was, is the very thing that was the catalyst in starting me down the road of changing careers and starting on a new adventure in life.

I kinda wonder if God prompted me to call her today because I was feeling scared and worried and discouraged and wondering if I have made a big mistake, and talking to her was just a reminder that God will do wondrous things in our lives if we will place them in his hands. My favorite scripture since I made Jesus Lord of my life has been Jer. 29:11-13. That pretty much says it all right there, and it has proven true in my life over and over again. He does have plans for us - all we must do is seek Him with all our hearts. Thanks Sandy for being Jesus in my life today!

Unto the least of these . . .

Watching TV last night and Harry Connick Jr. was in NO to help out. He grew up there, and was in his old neighborhood to check on his father's house and see if it withstood the storm, which it did. Then a neighbor came by and told him about a man who was lying on his porch down the street or somewhere else nearby (can't recall) and needed help. They drove the boat down there (yeah, they were in a boat) and this old, frail black man was lying on his front porch, totally naked, too weak to move or go for help. Harry had on waders and a t shirt, and he took off his t shirt and put it on this poor man to just give him a shred of dignity, and then carried him to the boat and they took him to get food and shelter. I just teared up - it brought to mind that Jesus told us, whatever you do for the least of these, you have done it for me. What a beautiful example of this very thing. Giving that man the shirt off his back and carrying him in his arms like a baby, taking him to safety. I know plenty of celebrities are doing concerts and benefits and telethons, but the ones who are impressing me the most are the ones who are personally going into the trenches and getting sweaty and dirty and serving and loving on people. You can see in their faces that it's not just for publicity. Harry, Julia Roberts (no makeup, jeans and a t-shirt, hugging and crying with women and their babies and some teenage girls), John Travolta and his wife, Lisa Marie Presley, Chris Rock, Jamie Foxx, just to name a few. Doing what they can to help and to encourage and love on people, to make them feel they have value. That's what people want - they want to feel like they matter. Don't we all?

Thoughts from the Safety of My Home

Wow, so I am blown away by the Katrina coverage. I've been watching every day, and it just gets worse and worse, and I keep feeling I should do something. Yes, I'm going to purchase some needed items and donate them through Jay's work. But that just doesn't seem like enough. To quote Casablanca, paraphrased, my problems don't amount to a hill of beans compared to those of the survivors.

It has been made clear in the last day or two that they are hurt and resentful at being called "refugees," understandably so. They live here, they are not seeking refuge from another country. They are survivors.

This is America - things like this don't happen here. I mean things like looting and raping of children and people left to die in filth beyond the comprehension of most all of us, people who have nothing and know nothing and are hopeless and helpless. I have been hearing lots of people saying, would this have happened if the hurricane had hit in an affluent, predominately white area? I must confess I seriously doubt it. It seems to me that race and class have played a part here, though most of us don't want to acknowledge that, most importantly our government. On Oprah today, she was touring New Orleans and talking to the Chief of Police and the Mayor. The Chief was almost unable to speak while telling Oprah about small children who were being raped and even killed inside the Superdome, and telling her of one of his officers whom he had convinced to take a day off and who had gone home and killed himself. The Mayor is angry - many of you have probably seen or heard him on the news. Angry with the righteous anger on behalf of the people under his jurisdiction whom he is helpless to aid. I saw and heard stories on this Oprah episode that made me cry like none I've heard on network TV. Lisa Ling was walking the streets with a camera crew and came across a family just walking around hoping to find a place to sleep for the night. Dr. Oz, a regular Oprah guest, was at the airport trying to help ill people and also talking about the huge problem with dead bodies and why they pose such a health threat. He came upon a young woman on the side of the highway who was already getting bloated. He covered her with a shirt he found nearby because there was nothing else he could do to give her a bit of dignity.

Almost all of these people are black - 2/3 of the population of New Orleans is black, and a great number of them are poor and had no means to leave the city. I'm so tired of all the rhetoric on TV about blame, where the buck stops, etc. These people are dying, homeless, and separated from their families. I have been proud, though, to read that Texas has been praised for it's quick and efficient response, taking in over 200,000 people, though as the majority of the survivors are coming to Texas, at least first, our resources are quickly reaching their limits.

I am finding that this is more painful to watch than the 9-11 coverage. There, people were reaching out to help each other, not killing each other. These are are fellow Americans, not victims of terror, but now increasingly victims of other fellow Americans. This shakes me to my core. I feel it is just a taste of what could come, someday, in our country. We are only one disaster away from this very experience ourselves. I urge anyone who reads this to find a way to do something to help. Sorry for such a downer of an entry, but this is what's on my mind right now.

Just When You Think You Know Yourself . . .

I've been suffering from a vague malaise lately (used that $5 word in a tribute to my English nerd friends like Julie and Josh), just feeling restless and bored, in spite of the fact that I have plenty of "projects" around the house that need tending to. I felt mildly depressed and just found myself wandering around this weekend. Jay and I talked about it Saturday night and came to the conclusion that my problem is most likely - da da da dum - A LACK OF STRUCTURE. Isn't THAT exciting! Of course, if you know me very well at all, that will not come as a big surprise to you, but in a way it was a surprise to me. I've always wanted to be a stay home wife and mom, but until this summer, I have never been unemployed and at home with this much unscheduled free time since - well in my entire adult life! Two stints of six week maternity leaves, but of course I had a baby to take care of, and a school age child also, so that really was not unstructured free time. This time, since we returned from our cruise and I have been waiting on my temporary massage license, since the end of July, I have pretty much been free to do whatever I want with the small restriction that I have to pick my high school age child (the only one left at home) up from school at 2:45, and I have to be at the school at 7:30 each Tuesday morning for a couple of hours to bake cookies. Other than that, there are no particular demands on my time. Yeah, I have to do laundry and buy groceries and pay the bills, and do a few other home administration type tasks, but those take up only a small portion of my time. In theory, all this free time should be liberating and joyful . . . and it was for the first few weeks. But now, as discussed in prior blog entries, I feel guilty if I goof off too much because of aforementioned "projects," and so instead of reveling in having time to read books (which I've done little of, in spite of my love of reading), have lunch with friends (I have done some of that, but it costs money to eat out), sleep late (have done some of that, and it is glorious, I'll confess), or catch up on movies, I feel guilty that I don't get more accomplished and just feel a vague sense of unrest which I have now identified as the fact that I need structure, and apparently need to either work or have some place to be and something I am supposed to be doing at least some portion of every day. It's been a relief in a way to figure this out, but also kind of startling and unexpected to find, after years of longing for less structure and demands on my time, of wishing I didn't have to go to work, that I actually need and want to have some work to do. Of course, the real answer is, I need and want to have fulfilling and meaningful and interesting work to do, which of course are the pieces that were missing before. That said, my hope and prayer now is that my new massage therapy career with the cool women at Integrated Healthworks will indeed fill all those gaps and will be the career that meets all my needs - interesting, fulfilling and meaningful work and a schedule that allows the free time I long for when I need it. I'm still shaking my head at myself and this new understanding about me that caught me totally by surprise. In fact, I didn't really figure it out, it was Jay who said maybe lack of structure was my problem. He's my personal live-in psychologist - I'm sure blessed that he is able to look objectively at things that are making me crazy and help me sort them out. Of course I'm blessed to have him for so many other reasons, but that's certainly a nice bonus. Honey, you are the BEST! BTW, one of my classmates emailed me that she received her temp license on Saturday, so I'm hoping that means mine is on the way!

Movie Thoughts

Watched the movie Fight Club today. Not sure why I'd never seen it before, and how I managed to never hear the twist ending (glad I didn't), but it was one of the most interesting movies I've seen in a long time. Won't give away the twist, but I just want to say that if you have not watched it because you thought it was just about a bunch of guys hitting each other, it is much, much more than that. It is a commentary about basic human nature and the search for some way of feeling alive in the numbing lives that so many people live, where they are defined by what they own or where they work, etc. It was so much different than what I expected, and I find myself thinking a lot about it in the aftermath. In light of all the things going on in New Orleans right now, where both the best and the worst of human nature is being played out on nearly every TV channel and all over the internet, this movie is a reminder of how civilized behavior can turn on a few choices in the wrong direction. Lord of the Flies is a novel that illustrates this quite well also, as does The Stand (by Stephen King). All in all a fascinating, disturbing and important movie (cool music too). Can't believe it took me so long to see it.

Also watched Sin City the other night. Wow, what a visually stunning movie! Like a comic book/film noir/B-grade detective movie come to life. Very violent, but like Kill Bill, violent in the cartoony sense (unlike Fight Club). Mickey Rourke, who used to be one of my favorite actors, is almost unrecognizable but is great in his role, and Bruce Willis is the perfect choice for this kind of movie. He can say the sort of cheezy detective speak without sounding foolish. If you are a movie buff at all, you should see this movie if for no other reason than to appreciate and marvel at the film techniques used.

School's In . . .

Still no temporary license in the mail! Still no income! This is getting kind of scary - can't go on forever not bringing in some moolah, and I'm getting pretty anxious. I have believed ever since I started this new venture that God was blessing it and taking a hand in working things out for me, and up until now things had been rocking along very smoothly. Now I know that just because it seems a little bumpy right now doesn't mean He is not still involved in what's unfolding in my life. In fact, it's quite likely that this time of uncertainty should be used as an opportunity for me to trust God even more with our finances, and with providing for our needs. It's really one of those times when if there was anything I COULD do, I would take steps to solve the problem, but I'm really helpless to do anything at all. Maybe that's just exactly where God wants me right now. I've been, well not exactly drifting away from God, so much as just not communicating very much in either direction. Taking Him for granted I guess, knowing He's there but being too caught up in my own stuff to talk to Him or more importantly to listen. My personal experience has been that sometimes God brings about a circumstance in my life in order to get my attention when He has a lesson for me. Not saying He causes bad things to happen, and I can't exactly explain what I mean, but if you've had the experience you'll understand. Sometimes you know without a doubt that a situation is the way it is because God has rung the schoolbell and it's lesson time. So I guess I'm at the place right now where I'm ready to listen and learn, because there's no other choice. Isn't it too bad that so often we have to get to the place where there's no other choice before we will turn to God? It's just so much our nature to try to fix things on our own, to bring about whatever we think needs to happen (a la Abraham and Sarah) instead of letting God's plan unfold on its own. So here I am, waiting - I'd like to say patiently, but I don't feel so patient - and still believing, though shaken a bit, that I am on a path that God is blessing and that I have made the right choice. And that if I am wrong, God will work that out for my best interests as well. The waiting, the not knowing - so hard to do. I pray for strength, trust and patience. And perhaps a little divine intervention . . .

Parenting 101

Man, you try so hard to learn from your mistakes with the previous child so you will do a better job each time. Why can't I learn to not push Andy so hard and make him feel like he never quite lives up to my expectations! I don't really feel that way but I know that's how I come across. Just carrying on the fine tradition my mom started with me and that I do to myself as well. He is struggling with not wanting to be in orchestra anymore and just wanting to get through the year, and I just need to let it go and be okay with that, and encourage him in other classes and sports, etc. I have been accused by both him and Lindsay of trying to make them do what I would do and be like me, and that is painfully close to true, much as I hate to admit it. It's certainly not my intent, but that seems to be the result anyway. I want him to know I love him and am proud of everything he does and that I'm okay with whatever he chooses to focus on. Why is that so hard to just say? You'd think this would get easier after all these years, but not so much . . .

Is That All There Is?

Well, got the blahs again. Happens many Sundays. Just am not feelin' it at SOBC right now. I have so many friends there, and I love to see them every week, and I love Paul and singin' in the choir, but other than that - bleh. Just not much to get excited about. I know it's not all about me, not even really much at all about me, and I know that probably the issue lies with me somewhere in the space between me and Jesus, but I just feel like I want something more. Don't know what though. That's the problem. Just feel dry and thirsty. Sometimes I feel like that song - Is That All There Is? It seems to catch up with me most on Sunday, and then I spend the afternoon feeling blecchhhh and unmotivated, when I should be enjoying my day of rest. Ha ha, day of rest. That's so not true for so many dedicated Christians - we've made it into the busiest day of the week for many of our members who wish to serve. Something just rubs me the wrong way about that.
Just my opinion.

Take the gun, leave the cannoli . . .

Well, we had a Godfather trilogy marathon this weekend. Well, not really a marathon since we spread it over three days, but nevertheless. Parts I and II, which I personally view as one film, are my second favorite movie(s) ever (To Kill A Mockingbird is #1, always and forever - that movie shaped me in a big way), and it's been a long time since I've watched them all in a row. Part III is not really great, just okay, but is much better if you watch it just after watching I and II, because there's a lot left unexplained and many gaps in Part III that you forget about unless you've just seen the others. I have seen these movies so many times that I have begun to catch the little continuity errors and timeline problems (although I solved one last night that I thought was an error but in fact was not). It annoys Jay. He doesn't care, just wants to watch the film. It's just a funny quirk of mine. Andy had never watched all of them all the way through, so it was fun sharing the movies with him, and being able to answer his questions. I am not sure why I love this story so much, but to me it just achieves a perfection in acting, sets, music, costuming, everything. Al Pacino was so cheated out of an Oscar for both Parts I and II, as was Robert Duvall (also ripped off for a Lonesome Dove Emmy). Anyway, I don't know why I'm writing about this, but there you go - stream of consciousness I guess.

My Sleep Number is . . .

I read a funny quote by George Clooney this morning, in an interview about some serious back surgery he had. He said "I've learned that after you're 40 it's just about plugging up holes in the boat." Yep, we have found that to be true around our house. Every doctor visit turns out to be "well, you're just getting older." Ha ha. On that note, we recently got a Sleep Number Bed. Now, I will grant you it was a semi-pricey investment, though not as much as I thought. But worth EVERY PENNY! We got one with a pillow top, not the top of the line, but close to the top, because we went in the store and laid down on all the different beds and this one was by far our favorite. We also got memory foam pillows ($100 each!). I never thought I'd pay this kind of money for a pillow, but since I got it, I have not wakened with a stiff neck even ONE TIME! I used to sleep with two pillows, which was kind of too much, and one wasn't enough and I was always having neck and shoulder pain, and of course Jay frequently had pains due to his arthritis. ALL GONE!

Now for the downside - well there isn't REALLY a downside, but we sleep so well on the thing that without an alarm, we might sleep half the day away. I have never been so comfy on a bed in my life. And our sleep numbers are funny, kind of matching our personalities. Mine varies from 45 to 60, depending on how I'm feeling that night, and Jay's is at about 40 or 45 and he leaves it there (you know Jay, if something works, why try anything else?). He wanted it lower, but I kept rolling to his side because of the difference, so I raised his number a little and he's okay with that.

I know this is probably boring, and sounds like a commercial, but I slept until almost 9:30 this morning because I was so comfy, so it was on my mind. If you need a new bed and can afford one of these, get one! If you have any kind of back pain, etc. it will solve your problem!

On a related note, got my dog Jason a doggie bed yesterday, and now I have to figure out how to get him to sleep on it instead of being afraid of it. He's rather neurotic about strange new objects.

Gettin' Too Old for This

Had a blast on the rafting trip! But wow, I'm wondering how many more years I can do this, physically. Long road trips and camping and rafting are pretty taxing and I just am not quite as mobile as I used to be. HATE THAT! Had a lot of laughs on the trip - Jody and Kris are so funny, they entertained us pretty much the whole trip. Acting out scenes from Phantom, cracking all manner of bodily function jokes, etc. And Josh and Christi are great - Christi had never been camping or in the mountains before, she's not much of an outdoor girl, but she was a trooper (except for a little melt-down on Friday night). We told her "there's no crying in camping!" Took a sight seeing trip to Breckenridge - that was so much fun. They have an alpine slide, minature golf, etc. in the summer. The weather was unbelievable, just reminding me again that I wish I lived in a mountain climate. I have truly never seen so many different, fabulous flowers in my life. Everywhere you look, baskets, pots, gardens, just an abundance of incredible color! God's country, for sure! Wish I had more to write about this, but just want to sum up - great time - if you get asked to go rafting, you should do it! It's like a Six Flags ride only real! Very exciting.

The Art of Guilt-Free Laziness

Is there a book on this topic? If so I need to read it, immediately. I was in the dumps yesterday because I am constantly struggling with the "I must get some projects done/I want to lay by the pool and surf the net and generally goof off" dilemma. Same song, forty-third verse, if you will. I was raised in an environment where my folks worked hard and I was an only child expected to help around the house and pick up after myself. Add to that a mother with addiction problems (alcohol, prescriptions, self-destructive behavior, depression, you name it) and growing up in the 50s-60s when the model family was portrayed on TV, and my way of coping was to be very neat and orderly because that was the only thing in my life I had control over. Mix it all together and you end up with someone who desperately wants to be able to just relax and let it all go and live in the moment and enjoy doing whatever I FEEL like doing rather than what I SHOULD be doing, but I just cannot seem to figure out how. I spend lots of time thinking about it, trying to analyze it, getting mad at myself. Jay and I were talking about it yesterday and I came to the conclusion that I have just never mastered the art of guilt-free laziness. Jay says I just have never given myself permission to be lazy, and he's right. It just goes against every grain I have. I have a short window of time where I'm not working at all, and it's not that I'm sitting around eating candy and watching soaps, but I do spend a lot of time reading stuff on the computer, and occasionally having lunch with someone or laying by the pool (I justify that one by the fact that soon pool season will be over so I must do it while I can), reading, and generally finding ways to use up the whole freakin' day and having not much to show for it. That's the problem - I feel I must have something to show for it. Apparently being here and available for my family and taking care of cooking, groceries and laundry is not enough. I need to be cleaning out closets, painting trim, hanging pictures, etc. All worthy projects that I need and want to get done, but I have not gotten one single one of the completed. But then I remember all the times I have read that you won't regret the projects you didn't do, you'll regret not spending more time doing things that really matter. So, I know all the right answers, I just can't seem to get myself to apply them and really enjoy my freedom instead of beating myself up for yet another day passing with no projects even started. Geez I'm neurotic . . . wonder where I got THAT?

Today, I got up at 5:45 so I could shower, etc., take Andy to school and help bake cookies for the orchestra fundraiser. Came home about 10:30, and it's 1:15 and I've done pretty much nothing except stuff on the computer and having something to eat. So productive . . . I think I need counseling . . .

Will Work for Cash

Here's the thing . . . I'm done with school, waiting on my magical piece of paper that says I can legally charge money to ply my trade (love that phrase). In the meantime, I'm startin to sweat this unemployed status. So I had lunch with my good friend Julie today, who is also on a similar "start a new career and be self-employed" journey, though hers involved getting a Masters Degree (go Jules!) and she is actually gainfully employed as a freelance writer/editor, in fact employed to the point of being too busy. She has hired a person to assist her, and may need another person to do some part time editing at home. Now that's just right up my alley, anal retentive wordsmith that I am, so I'm pretty excited that it might provide just that little bit of extra income to help things along as I'm getting my massage therapy clientele built up, and also just to keep my brain exercised as well as my body. She also mentioned a possible part time gig doing some financial stuff if her relative who is doing it now takes another job. My dilemma is that I also enjoy doing finanical work (go figure, since I hate math, but there's something rather satisfying about balance a checkbook, etc.). I don't think I will have time for both part time ventures (though I might at the beginning), so I don't know which to choose if they both in fact become a real possiblity. But I am encouraged that there might be some work I could do at home that will work around my already flexible massage schedule. I guess the scariest part (and Julie struggles with this some too) is that all this flexibility and being your own boss means you must be responsible for your own work habits and no one is going to make you do it - you have to make sure you work enough to get everything done on time, and that it's all done right, etc. because there's no one breathing down your neck (well, Julie does have deadlines, but you get my drift).

I hope one of these things works out so that I can ease my mind (and Jay's) by having a little income in the interim. This extended vacation is fun, but pretty soon the anxiety of no money coming in is going to overshadow the joy of a free schedule.

Dr. Visits

Okay, so I went to my retina doc today for my yearly check to make sure my retinas are still attached. My appointment was at 11:15. I was ten minutes late because there was a train at Abrams and Cooper that delayed me for over 10 minutes! So I sat in the waiting room until about 50 minutes had passed (from the time I arrived, not my appt. time), and finally went up to the desk to politely inquire. She checked in the back, and said "they are just about to call you in to dilate your eyes." And sure enough, about 5 minutes later (or less), they called me back. Now, call me cynical, but I'm convinced that they just move you to the front of the list when you COMPLAIN loud enough. I guess I'll never know, but I have strong suspicions that had I NOT gone to the front desk, I would have sat there for quite a while longer. I've had this same experience at my regular doc's office too. So, at this particular doc, they dilate your eyes (which involves putting several types of vile drops including numbing drops which not only make your eyeballs feel weird but also somehow affect your nasal passages - I think they are all connected). Then you sit for another 20 minutes or so, then the doctor sees you and shines impossibly bright lights in your eyes while making you look directly INTO the impossibly bright light WITHOUT blinking! Then you look up, down, right, left, etc. while the bright light is causing your eyes to water like nobody's business. BUT, once again, all is well and nothing has changed, which is good news! I finally left there about 1:35! Spent approximately 10-15 minutes with the actual doctor. Grrrr.

So that's my theory on the waiting time at the doctor's office. Whoever gripes the most gets to the head of the list . . .

I'm such a nerd

Okay, I am officially an internet-surfing, blog reading nerd! I swear I could spend an entire day just surfing the net, reading useless entertainment stuff, random news items, and the blogs of any and everyone I come across. I LOVE reading other people's blogs - it gives me so much insight into them and I just find it interesting from a human study point of view. I guess it's the writer in me. Observing others is fascinating to me. No judgments, just observations - people are just so weird and diverse and curiously unique. BUT, I find that hours just disappear when I am on the computer, it's like time stops. Probably not a good thing . . .

Opposites Attract . . .

Isn't it funny how two people as different as Jay and me can have such a great relationship and have so much fun together? If you want to see examples of how different we are, read some of his blogs and then read some of mine. Yeah, we're different. I spill out all my random thoughts, and write about stuff that happens and how I feel about it. He write intellectual discourses. But he really is very funny and we laugh a lot - it just doesn't come through on his serious blogging style. Just strikes me funny. Sometimes you can tell a lot about a person through their blogs, especially if they are very candid like in a diary. But his blogs are for a particular purpose, so they only show one facet of his personality. But he would never just dump it all out like I do. Just one of the ways we are very different. Of course, sometimes I dump it out way too much . . . but he loves me anyhow! Go figure . . .

Living in Limbo

I'm in a really odd place right now. I am not working since I finished school and during the period while I'm waiting to get my temporary license. This is the first time in my whole adult life, except for maternity leaves and vacations, when I have not had to go to work. I am so content just puttering around the house, running errands, swimming, sleeping in a little, spending time with Sam, etc. But underneath the contentment is the knowledge that it will end soon and I feel some unease that I should (there's that ugly little word again) get a bunch of household projects done. I mean, even during school, basically since April, I've had much more free time, and yet I've barely gotten any projects done! I spend way too much time reading stuff on the computer, writing emails and blogging, and just doing basic tasks. But I should (there it is again) be working on my novel, working on my stuff to get prepared for my massage career, and doing stuff like painting and cleaning out closets, etc. But I'm so enjoying just having the time to do whatever, including reading out by the pool, which is such a huge, huge luxury! So even now, in one of the most content periods I've ever experienced, I struggle within myself between what I WANT to do and what I SHOULD do! It's so frustrating! I dawdle a day away, enjoying every second of it, and then later anguish because I got nothing accomplished. Geez, do I have a split personality or something? And of course, I'm having conversations with God, but I'm not going to Bible study, etc. Why can't I just allow myself to just enjoy this brief time of rest and relaxation for what it is?

I am getting prepared to begin working, and I am starting to get a little nervous about building up my business so that I don't run us into bankruptcy. I believe, still, that God is blessing this venture of mine, that He ordained my meeting with Carol and put all the puzzle pieces together for me and made it all work out so well, so I have no reason to believe things will go badly, but I guess I just need to believe in myself more. It's hard to be in school and be all pumped up and ready to go and then have to just sit and wait! I hope I can find a good balance of work hours and time at home and still make a good living. One of the points behind all this was to have a flexible schedule and to be my own boss so I'd have more family time. I just need to dig in there and not get easily discouraged - I know that it will take a while. Jay has been so supportive and patient. I just don't want to get lazy while I'm in this limbo period. I am liking it an awful lot . . .

I'm just a pain in my own behind! Lord save me from myself . . .

A Rafting I Will Go . . .

So, I'm off on another adventure. I am going on the college rafting trip, because Peter and Tiffany can't go due to Smoke on the Mountain not being performance ready or even close. Hope my knee holds out - I'm getting too old for these things . . . but I always have a great time! I'll write about it when I get back. We are leaving at 5:30 freakin' AM! on Thursday. It's a long drive! But, it's the Rockies in the summer, which is pretty amazing - fresh clean air and cool nights - yeah baby! And I'll get to hang out with some cool kids and Josh and Christi!

Interesting Movie . . .

Went to see The Chumscrubber last night. Very weird, very interesting movie. Kind of like a nightmare version of Desperate Housewives. All I can say is I hope most parents are not as clueless and stupid and self-involved as these parents. But I know many are, which probably explains why so many teens are so screwed up these days. I recommend this movie but be prepared for weirdness and perhaps some offense, but it's a twisted social commentary. I love twisted and weird social commentary movies, so it may not be your cup of tea. I think it's worth a look, good performances, pretty subversive. I liked it a lot.